A Warm Day in Late October

2 years ago, that's when I thought we were having another baby.  Its also when I found out that the baby was not forming and we would lose it.  The physical pain was quite real, but I don't think I ever really grieved fully or processed what this meant on a deeper level.  Then along came some big changes in our lives that redirected my focus.  I became very ill and was hospitalized, I recovered, we moved.  I became interested in my practice again.  Through all of the pain of the changes and loss, I could see God's blessings and His grace.  I was sick but did not die, we had to leave the home we loved but found a most amazing new home.  I could truly see God's hand at work.

But something else has also been happening that has been less clear, less obvious.  As I have struggled with wishing for a daughter and secretly wanting to get pregnant again (even though it would be unlikely for many reasons), I had also believed that I was getting over this longing and that perhaps it had left me.  Adoption, which I had contemplated for several years, also did not seem like a pressing need.  Then one night I recall asking God to help me with envy, to do something in my life that would truly stretch me to a place beyond petty jealousy.  In a most shocking way, God answered my prayer the very next day.  Our friends who have 3 boys exactly our boys' ages announced that they were having a girl.  I did not handle it well.  And I now feel that I was angry with God about it, but the anger was not apparent to me.  It came in the form of a distancing from him, subtly and over time.  

As we had not seen this family for several months due to summer break, I thought about it less and it seemed to bother me less.  But when school started and I would see her round belly and imagine what it must be like to experience this life again inside of me and to know that I would have a daughter, I felt again trapped by my thoughts and disappointment.  And as October rolled around, the anniversary of my loss two years ago, a sadness welled up from below and threatened to overtake me.  Her baby is almost here and my chance for another baby is gone.  I am past childbearing age.  I still think about adoption but hesitate to bring it up because Lance does not share this wish.  Now a neighbor announces that she is expecting; another pang inside of me.  I go to the school football game and feel outside of the experience, they are young, they are having more babies, they have daughters. But all along I run my hands through my boys' beautiful blonde hair.  I know they are a gift and I wish to experience the gift of life again.  I ask God to help me with this pain; but also to show me a sign if we are to adopt.

Then a warm October Saturday is here.  I'm feeling better, like this is hard but I know I can bear it, I can have peace in this all somehow.  A neighbor arrives with an announcement, I can see that he is excited.  Lance calls to me as I am mowing the lawn.  I walk up to them and in the back of my mind hope that he is not here to announce what I think he might.  His wife is pregnant, and they just found out "IT IS A GIRL!".  This is a surreal moment.  How can this really be, I think to myself.  The neighbor continues to describe the excitement and just how perfect it is that the baby is a girl.  My head spins and I try to keep it together.  I go back to the mower.  They leave.  I sit down on the rock and let the sadness and anger overcome me.  I feel like I am being hit, over and over again, and I feel beaten up.  My arms are sore from pushing the mower, I am hot, and I can not distinguish tears from sweat.  Lance sees me and comes over.  He sits.  We are silent as there is nothing he can say in this moment.

Later we talk about what I have been carrying in my heart and mind.  I tell him about the anniversary of the miscarriage.  He offers a hug.  I'm still angry and turn it down.  "Do you want to adopt?", he says.  I don't speak, I feel selfish and say, but it would only be me who wants to.  But something is different this time, he seems interested.  We sit some more.  Then I say, "We should adopt, we should do it".  He agrees.  Ok, he says.  We go out to dinner.  As we drive we see a beautiful pink sunset with a flock of ducks flying across the sky.  Was that for us?  We talk about God's intervention in our life.  I had asked him for a sign and he was giving them to me.  The neighbor announcing he was having a girl, it was too surreal not to be a sign.  Lance was there too.  He knew.  We talked about how God can take our pain and turn it into something beautiful.  He can redeem hurt and use it for his glory.  

That night ended with us hugging by the fire.  We are on this journey together we said.  Now its real, we both want this and we are beginning something new and amazing.  God's hand has been with us all the while.  There is some little girl out there or not even conceived yet who He intends to be our daughter.  We can't wait to begin this journey to meet her.  

Its May

I've got the bug to start blogging again.  Maybe its the time of year, or maybe its just that I feel so blessed with our life that I want to write it down.  

Its been an awesome, and very busy, Spring.  The weather has been great, and we've had continuous rain in the last couple of weeks. We did have one amazing weather event that we will never forget.  One night when uncle Link was visiting, and the boys had gone to bed, it started hailing.  We were struck by the amount of the hail, more than I had ever seen.  We opened the door and the air was cold because of all the ice.  It was truly exciting to see.  Benjamin was woken up and came down to witness it.  We took pics of this momentous occasion.  

Well the excitement and novelty turned into sadness the next day when we realized that the hail really did a number on our plants.  See all the leaves in the picture above?  Well those were about half of the new leaves on all of our oak trees.  On top of that, the newly emerging plants and my tomato garden were all obliterated.  To add injury to insult, our pool was shot and the filter went kaput.  What a mess! Luckily we had uncle Link here to help.

Between this crazy hail storm and the monsoon season that we've been experiencing in the last few weeks, we had amazingly gorgeous sunny 70's.  I recall one perfect day by the creek.  It was truly a day that you just realize how beautiful life can be, and how much God must love us.  It was hard to capture on camera, but I tried.  While the boys threw rocks in the creek, as they could for the entire day, I soaked it all in.

Mother's Day was absolutely fantastic again.  Those little guys just treat me so well!  It makes me feel so amazingly blessed and so loved.  It just reminds me of how significant this role is in my life.  What an amazing thing to be defined by; Motherhood!  The littlest boys did a project in preschool that I absolutely loved.  They totally captured me, especially my age.

Then where else did we go but the Four Seasons on a beautiful evening.  The boys were able to run around in the bright green grass for an hour while we sat and enjoyed some amazing food.

We've done so many great things this spring, but nothing crazy.  Mostly we've just enjoyed nature and each other.  Here are some cute outtakes.  

New Year's Eve

We had a different New Year's Eve this year.  We usually have babysitters and stay out late, but this year granmom and grandad were unavailable due to Mamaw's illness and Amma and Papa had already made plans.  Truthfully, it was one of the best New Year's Eves because we spent it at home with the kids, having fun together.  We all went to Central Market to pick out some decadent food, including lobster.  We came home, had fun cooking together, eating, and watching some celebrations on TV.  The boys hit the hay and Lance and I stayed up enjoying a bottle of champagne and a movie.

All I got were a few pics of the boys eating and the beef carpaccio that Lance made.  Yes, like last year, he spent his yearly night as a chef.  I'm proud that Benjamin tries so many things now.  He LOVES lobster!  Seriously, you don't have to go out to have fun or to indulge.

Christmas 2014

It was a traditional  Christmas for the Vaughns this year, with local flair and plenty of gifts.  This was our Christmas card picture:

Unfortunately, many of us were sick at various times over the holiday.  The worst came when Sawyer needed breathing treatments Christmas Eve and Christmas morning.  We had to take him to the doctor after we opened presents.  He turned out to be okay, thankfully, but it sure made it stressful and sad at times.

Despite that, there was plenty of Christmas cheer to be had.  The boys looked absolutely adorable in their Elf pajamas.

This is what it looked like Christmas morning.  Santa sure was generous!

The boys each got a football helmet and jersey representing their favorite team.  Benjamin thought it would be fun to wear them all at once.

 Perhaps he's a future quarterback!

The boys also got new bed sets.  I think they were happy with our choices.

Alas, poor Sawyer needed time out for a treatment.

We had a great Christmas day dinner with both sets of grandparents.  I took on the challenge of another festive holiday cake, and people had fun trying to get good pics of it.

Here is my favorite picture of the chocolate peppermint snowball cake.  Yum!  I'm pretty sure though, that I did gain 3 pounds just from eating this cake.

One of my favorite traditions that we've established since the boys have been around is going to the Four Seasons to see the Gingerbread Village.  They usually have a train running around it, but not this year.  I don't think it was a problem.

Although I don't have any pictures of it, I have to mention the amazing dinner that we had at Trio, the restaurant there.  Afterwards we were all in a giddy mood, especially the boys of course.

Until next year!!!