2 years ago, that's when I thought we were having another baby. Its also when I found out that the baby was not forming and we would lose it. The physical pain was quite real, but I don't think I ever really grieved fully or processed what this meant on a deeper level. Then along came some big changes in our lives that redirected my focus. I became very ill and was hospitalized, I recovered, we moved. I became interested in my practice again. Through all of the pain of the changes and loss, I could see God's blessings and His grace. I was sick but did not die, we had to leave the home we loved but found a most amazing new home. I could truly see God's hand at work.
But something else has also been happening that has been less clear, less obvious. As I have struggled with wishing for a daughter and secretly wanting to get pregnant again (even though it would be unlikely for many reasons), I had also believed that I was getting over this longing and that perhaps it had left me. Adoption, which I had contemplated for several years, also did not seem like a pressing need. Then one night I recall asking God to help me with envy, to do something in my life that would truly stretch me to a place beyond petty jealousy. In a most shocking way, God answered my prayer the very next day. Our friends who have 3 boys exactly our boys' ages announced that they were having a girl. I did not handle it well. And I now feel that I was angry with God about it, but the anger was not apparent to me. It came in the form of a distancing from him, subtly and over time.
As we had not seen this family for several months due to summer break, I thought about it less and it seemed to bother me less. But when school started and I would see her round belly and imagine what it must be like to experience this life again inside of me and to know that I would have a daughter, I felt again trapped by my thoughts and disappointment. And as October rolled around, the anniversary of my loss two years ago, a sadness welled up from below and threatened to overtake me. Her baby is almost here and my chance for another baby is gone. I am past childbearing age. I still think about adoption but hesitate to bring it up because Lance does not share this wish. Now a neighbor announces that she is expecting; another pang inside of me. I go to the school football game and feel outside of the experience, they are young, they are having more babies, they have daughters. But all along I run my hands through my boys' beautiful blonde hair. I know they are a gift and I wish to experience the gift of life again. I ask God to help me with this pain; but also to show me a sign if we are to adopt.
Then a warm October Saturday is here. I'm feeling better, like this is hard but I know I can bear it, I can have peace in this all somehow. A neighbor arrives with an announcement, I can see that he is excited. Lance calls to me as I am mowing the lawn. I walk up to them and in the back of my mind hope that he is not here to announce what I think he might. His wife is pregnant, and they just found out "IT IS A GIRL!". This is a surreal moment. How can this really be, I think to myself. The neighbor continues to describe the excitement and just how perfect it is that the baby is a girl. My head spins and I try to keep it together. I go back to the mower. They leave. I sit down on the rock and let the sadness and anger overcome me. I feel like I am being hit, over and over again, and I feel beaten up. My arms are sore from pushing the mower, I am hot, and I can not distinguish tears from sweat. Lance sees me and comes over. He sits. We are silent as there is nothing he can say in this moment.
Later we talk about what I have been carrying in my heart and mind. I tell him about the anniversary of the miscarriage. He offers a hug. I'm still angry and turn it down. "Do you want to adopt?", he says. I don't speak, I feel selfish and say, but it would only be me who wants to. But something is different this time, he seems interested. We sit some more. Then I say, "We should adopt, we should do it". He agrees. Ok, he says. We go out to dinner. As we drive we see a beautiful pink sunset with a flock of ducks flying across the sky. Was that for us? We talk about God's intervention in our life. I had asked him for a sign and he was giving them to me. The neighbor announcing he was having a girl, it was too surreal not to be a sign. Lance was there too. He knew. We talked about how God can take our pain and turn it into something beautiful. He can redeem hurt and use it for his glory.
That night ended with us hugging by the fire. We are on this journey together we said. Now its real, we both want this and we are beginning something new and amazing. God's hand has been with us all the while. There is some little girl out there or not even conceived yet who He intends to be our daughter. We can't wait to begin this journey to meet her.
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