Reflecting

Today I am feeling too tired to clean or do anything super-productive. I don't think I have ever taken a nap while Evan is sleeping and we are here alone. I just don't think I can relax enough. This morning while I was lying in bed, awake since 5 after Evan cried for a few minutes, I was looking at old pictures on my I Phone. I just melted when I came across pictures of Evan as a newborn and watched a short video clip of the two of us in the hospital. He seems to have crossed from being a baby baby to a big baby, if that makes any sense. I do have this feeling that we are leaving babyhood behind in this house, this time for good. I know that we will not have another, I will never have a little girl. I am happy with my boys, but sad when I think of them growing up and not being our babies anymore. I've always heard people speak of this feeling, but never had any idea what the experience might be until now, as I see Evan approaching the one year mark. I know relationships with mothers and boys are often not as close when they are older, as it might be with mothers and daughters. I just pray that I can keep my boys close for as long as possible, even when they are men.


Reflecting back over the past 8, almost 9 months, I immediately notice how much I have changed. Many of the obvious ways seem to be for the worse, as I take inventory of my body. I simply am not the person I was. I have hollows under my eyes that do not seem to go away if I get more sleep. When I look in the mirror I do not recognize myself, and I always look tired. My joints crack and pop whenever I get up and I am still nursing my injured knee. I don't know what happened to my hair, but I can not seem to do anything with it anymore. Most days, I do not wear make up and it doesn't really seem to matter. Its not that I used to be some incredible physical specimen with glistening hair, perfect skin, and a perfectly-functioning body. No, that's not it. Its just that I am not the same, and it takes some getting used to. Aside from the obvious physical changes that I often lament, and probably should stop complaining so much about, I do believe that I have made some positive changes. I'm pretty sure that I am tougher than I ever used to be, and I am quite sure that I don't take as many things for granted. I thoroughly appreciate a warm bath, a trip to the store by myself, or any time by myself for that matter. Having the second child has definitely made me more of a mother, if one can say that. I am fully immersed in motherhood, I eat, sleep, and breathe it. I am also certain that there is no greater joy that I could experience than being a mother to my two boys, seeing them laugh and play. This great love that I have for them draws me closer to God in ways that I am not awake enough to describe. It is the relationship with God that I have relied on, and will continue to pull strength from every day, and especially on those days when I think that I just can't do it. I can do it, I have done it, and I will do it. Amen.